Sunday, July 12, 2009

Cigarette and my blood.

Sooo…have you ever burnt yourself with a cigarette??? Eh?? Intentionally??? Ever watched hot liquid wax smolder your skin, drop after drop? Ever pricked on a wound? Disturbed an aching tooth for hours…until you could taste your own salty warm blood?? It hurts, doesn’t it? But if it puts a smile across your face, all that pain... and if you like that saline taste of your own blood read on...

Hi! I am Anugrah Bohrey and I am smoking… with each drag I mock my bronchitis and I fucking feel awesome. Two years back I volunteered for a “quit smoking” campaign for the D.U. campus… I told many to quit …even convinced a few…but could have I been a smellier dick? I smoke now and without a hint of guilt for it makes me either forget the “truth” or maybe deal with it or maybe my smoking is a repercussion/ramification of knowing the “truth”. This truth I know is, that I am insignificant, miniscule and negligible, that whatever I may do or undo I will be erased off this planet and it won’t make a difference to the universe…fuck me even the eradication of this planet won’t make a difference to the universe… I mean I may write stories, make movies, make ultra cool software …and what’s your face…..even find a cure for the fucking (this time used literally) syndrome, I will die. Nothing ...you know...is perpetual, humanity will be wiped off this planet alongwith Shakespeare's plays and Microsoft Windows, still... somehow I grew up learning that this universe revolves around me… that something good is always in store for me… that “god” will never let anything happen to me… that if I live according to the prescribed pattern my life will be “good”. that one day i will be a millionaire, marry a hottie who is too much for me in bed....and live happlily ever after with the slut and her bastards. But now it fucking pinches me… now that I have realized that I am decaying and deteriorating each day… that I am no better than a rotting egg, if I saw myself through a bigger and actual perspective.

“They” define “good/right/white” for me…

“They” define “bad/wrong/black” too…

What if “they” are wrong again as “they” were about the earth being flat. What if black actually is better than white… or may be nothing is better… what if good is as bad as bad and bad is as good as good.

What if pain is the real happiness and happiness is the real pain or both are equally good.

What if “they” all are but fools who entertain the sadistic god everyday.

So, is it wrong/right to kill people??

Is it wrong/right to fascinate nuns or maybe your siblings??

Is it wrong/right to abuse god??

What if it all started off on a wrong foot?? What if black was the real white…

What if smoking is actually “good” ...for the worst it can do is... kill……but seriously …did you really think….ahem!..(cough…cough)…damn!!! I like the saline taste.

P.S. (46. Fuck! Even Michael Jackson died. 58.fairness solutions have always been there, 73. I see this one as my most humourous writeup ever !!!)

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Kaala Bandar...should have been a millionaire




I know….it’s not Friday….yep …but so what??? I mean that’s what people do right?? They forget things….and then there are amnesic people who forget a lot of things …..and then there is Sanjay Singhania (Noooo! I am not telling you who Sanjay Singhania is….If you don’t know him don’t waste your time here….go download a Megan fox wallpaper)….So, I forgot my promise to update the blog every Friday….big deal??? (Waise do you really care?).
Actually I had nothing ….nothing at all to serve, till 5:00 this morning…..and then I risked it……I had this pirated DVD of Delhi 6 (to whosoever it may concern …. I didn’t buy it…or rent it….piracy is a crime ……..I know)…..and in the words of….errrrrr….yep…a wise man…. “Risking brings awesome shit, hommie!!”… (There are wise Afro-Americans). So, now I am sitting here scratching my a** and thinking… why exactly did the film not work? ….. I mean …it was the most sensible film I got to watch in recent times …it was metaphorical, symbolic and away from any grandiloquence….so, what was it lacking ?…I thought still scratching. And then “he” caught my eye, ogling at me…from the newspaper….with his TAG HEUER … smiling sarcastically, as if…. Celebrating his victory…. Celebrating his triumph over our senses ……..
Trust me, he knows it….he does…. He knows that his films are crappy….n’ yet we lap them up…. We lick the screen clean off him…… and therefore he smiles…. The fucking knavish of a businessman… the alpha and the omega de bollywood…..THE SHAHRUKH KHAN……
I mean…. I think about his movies and my sense of humour and anger start making out…everytime……..no, seriously, they have it and that too without any latex….
Saw, his latest marvel??? Eh??........Taare zameen Par 2 ….hunh??? ( TZP 2 is also called Rab ne bana di jodi…..in certain parts of the country…..actually in many parts of many countries …I mean it was a hit overseas as well)…. No, trust me that is how I explain the blunder (and trust me, dats the only way)…….’cause that Anushka plays a retard…no, seriously…she puts those….Tulip school children from TZP…..in the Research in humanoids dept. either that…or something even more intelligent ( NASA maybe…)
She, is with the same guy …..with moustaches and without them… I mean the guy does not even care to modulate his voice ( or we could have blamed it on her eyesight. And by the way …I saw the movie with my blind friend and “he”.. could make out that Raj and Sahni …were both played by the same idiot)…….so actually…lemme see…….yes....24x7 /2 + 24x7/2 = fuck you! Aditya Chopra.
And pleez do not get me started on Om Shanti Om…I mean …I can kill Farah Khan...with my bare hands, right now ( and that too without strangling her)..OSO was the worst thing ever (and not only on da celluloid).
But you know what?? The “shopkeeper” is not alone……Remember? Welcome, Singh is King and Chandni Chwok To China…….they’re a conspiracy against our senses…these movies….( and ironically ….the one who fucks our senses the most…..becomes the numero uno in the dicktown)….Akshay Kumar got a Padmashree recently ….Now, can you remember a single movie , he did ….which had n e thing to do with our society or nation or n e thing progressive?? I mean I can’t… (ooops! Now I get it….Chandni Chowk to China…..right!!!……promulgated that n e thing that comes from china…..And costs between Rs.65 and 650000000 is crap....)……
And now something “bout Danny Boyle……..Bafta, Golden globe and an Oscar…….way to go…sadistic bastard……….
For me any body who is an Indian and says that Slum dog millionaire ...deserved… The Oscar….should make a time machine….go to….1908(British dominated India)…. and join the Indian congress ( anil kapoor being the first....but he is not sane enough..not even for congress...). Trust me, there are better films made on Indian slums and grass root underworld by “us” Indians.
The blog is getting real long….and now sounds like a…. “Slanderous” ranting…… but in the words of Samir Agrawal, “truth is acceptable in any form”….. So,lets see….how many of you accept this one………….and seriously…what are you waiting for now??.......go watch Delhi 6….kala Bandar…..theory rocks…


And now a word with our ….commentators:

@ Samir: here is a news flash for you, “suicidal Japanese…kills neighbour by mistake”.

@ preeti: I have a fan!!! ( I prefer a fan….a/c’s are not good for the environment)

@ Divya: now what kind of a sister….would wish…for her brother to not to have any super powers ever???

@ rajat: errr….that you should tell my parents….( m’ 6 feet 1)

@ pankaj: I understand….U were speechless

@ seepika: what is with you and dancing???

@ atul: Teri MAA..... chis……kay liye "thanks".

Friday, March 27, 2009

to your rescue....Superheroes......up, up and down ( damn you gravity)


yes, it's friday ( did someone say, "oye"? )......and i am back ....( and i dont have a gun)..........first, i thank all o' you, who ...devoted time and read my work ( detailed acknowledgement follows the post).......now, after advising our beloved villains .......i thought of helping another "minority"......yes, superheroes....they are big and colourful ........they can fly....and can do everything that we cant ( well, himesh is a freek of nature, he's an exeption ).... but trust me....with great power, comes great SHIT............so, after the semi-success.......of my do's and dont's for villains ......here is a piece for our superheroes ( more organized this time)......

Do watch one of your relatives/friends getting murdered that’s kind of a pre requisite for becoming a super hero.
Do not let the murderers see you see the act…it will be the end of the story.

Do go for science practicals, it’s the lab where you will get your powers by mistake.
Do not go for science theory classes, the story ends if you know your way around the lab.

Do wear undeez over pants: you don’t want to be in an identity crisis.
Don’t steal emblems e.g. S of superman or the bolt of flash, you don’t want your ass kicked and sued at the same time.

Do make your dream girl’s boy friend your first target; he gave you a really hard time.
Do not stop there, principal, mean professors, lout neighbour and the mean ticket collector should also be set right.

Do keep a subordinate, they always die first
Don’t ignore them and piss them off, they may go against you ( and remember these are the guys who know it all about that stone which makes you a sissy and that liquid you are allergic to).

Do stand on the highest point and keep an eye on the city; you’ll know where the hottest babes live.
Do not follow any thing that shines and is flying, you are a superhero…not some tuna fish… you can avoid unnecessary ass kicking (I mean your ass here).

Do date beautiful girls, I mean this is the time dude, no body remembers an old super hero.
Do not marry them they know you can cook food instantly with your laser beam and can dry clothes by your ultrasonic rotation.

Do endorse brands, make some money dude, companies will give you a fortune for sky campaigning for the airline passengers.
Do not go crazy endorsing brands…you are a super hero not mr. amitaabh bachchan

Do save your girlfriend when the villain brings forth you the clich├ęd make a choice scenario.
Do not save the bunch of Japanese tourists ( I wonder why the tourists are always Japanese) if they are the other option, be a patriot… Japan is an economic competitor of your country.

Do save every beautiful girl in distress, and don’t hesitate if she wants to reciprocate.
Do not go on saving every body …get a toll free number …help only those who ask for it or you might land up in the bedroom of a 90 yrs old couple having sex.

Do not sacrifice beautiful women…they need your super powers.
Do not indulge in unprotected sex…HIV virus does not spare super heroes.

Do consider a career in India, when old you can run for the prime minister.
Do not consider a career in India if you are spider man, your jurisdiction area will be too confined, either Nariman point or Barakhamba lane.

Do have a word with the villain(s), remember they entered the scene with you …almost at the same time …they can be relatives.
Do not drink excessively with them… when you visit them… they “might” not be your relatives.

And please remember…..if there is somebody you….respect a lot….who is a scientist and is not family…………kill him…he’s the bad guy…………


And now a word 'bout the amazing comments i got ........
@ bheesm: amazing dude......outlandish......the french would have loved your comment ( at cannes they always felicitate...the movie they hardly understand)

@ sourav: thanks man.... for doing what i should have...we all love mr. amrish puri...n' i hope anugrahism....keeps making sense to you.

@ preeti: trust me a thing fo' ur heroines ...coming up...( interesting that a girl mentions heroines ..is it the much hyped feminism...or.......whatever its one and the same thing.

@ rajat: you said, "r u jealous or paranoid ?? tat da first thing which came to my mind wen i read dis 1....newaz nice try." your intellect beats me....( or maybe you've learnt the word paranoid recently ....and wanted to use it real bad........well in that case...i understand).....

thank you seepika, atul, alfaaz, shubham, shekhu, chandana and sidhant .....

p.s . yogesh..... do you have a magazine of your own...., and sunny....was the chicken theory really "GOD"ly....(lolz...i kno 'twas a typing error)........

Friday, March 20, 2009

beloved Villains.............

Ever wondered why our indian villain (villian) bites the dust every time???? the answers is, the compassionate heart full of emotions and baby like innocent aspirations ........you don't agree??? ..... here is my detailed research on why our Goonda, inspite of having a hell of a personality loses.....wannabe gabbars, shaakals and mogambos ...take notes.

they trust the “new guy” no body knows:
I mean you are sitting up there, with an island of your own, with sophisticated (yet to be invented) weapons and an army of innumerable people ready to become the breakfast of the sharks just to please you…now with all that experience and intensity how the hell can you trust a new “handsome” guy. Seriously, if there is one guy that our villains love even more than their “sociopath” junior who eats cockroaches and rapes women and tortures kids in his free time, it's the new guy who joined the gang just before the cops suddenly started magically figuring out what they were going to do next.

killing their own people
Please, for God’s sake…get an X-box 360… why kill your own guys for fun (remember? You trained them for martial arts under a fake Hindi speaking Chinese and paid for those shining uniforms) Okay! I get your emotions, I understand… population is one of our biggest problems… but dude try and understand… our heroes can fight with 20 people single-handedly without even dropping their shades.

Having Extended Conversations with People who are Trying to Catch them:
Dude why do you keep doing that? Okay! May be you have a sense of humor and a lot of wit but why to test your intellect with an honest cop. It has been ages since you first knew that any police officer with properly dyed and combed hair, with all the buttons of his uniform properly done and with a sari clad beautiful wife and only child, is honest. Do not f**k with him, do not offer him a bribe, do not challenge him by telling him your plans and please do not check out his wife (‘cause tough she reveals her cleavage, she is the chastest women in the world, I doubt if even her husband touches her).

Nach Baliye:
Ok! So you appreciate the damn art? You love pelvic thrusts? When you were a boy it was your dream to judge a damn reality dance show? Ok, I get it…I am all sympathy but dude you have better things to do than watching the heroine dance… why to wait to launch that f**king missile. Dude you have no idea that when you and your men are busy analyzing weird dance forms the hero is slitting (slitting your people’s throats) his way to you.

Innovation:
Ha ha ha! What are you dude? You go to international conferences, trade idols for the most hi-tech. weapons only to “not” to use them???? Why to put people in some mystery liquid, or hang them upside down over hungry crocodiles, or tie them to a bomb which only blows up if the mice eat all the cheese??? Why? Why not just simply shoot them in head with that gun you bought from that Hitler body-double.

Extempore:
So, you were not selected for the dramatics club at your school? You were smitten by Shakespeare first when you were 12 and you still enact “to be or not to be…” from Hamlet in your loo? Trust me dude keep it there, But when you have the whole family tree of the hero in front of you don’t go on showing them your dialogue delivery ….just shoot them.

the first one.........

Yep...i know.....Anugrahism, pretty funny eh??? But wait and watch, it will become a keyword on google, which is so cool ( isn't it?).....but who cares m' not some tom dick or harry/ashish, rahul or sameer ( sorry! samir) ....mine is a rare name n i love it ( but i always wonder why after saying," Anugrah!! what a nice name" people always say, "but can we call you some thing else...something shorter").
So, the big question...why am I here ( shut up! it's big enough for me) ? If I say I am here to make a difference, stop people from eating chickens.....i am so fu*king with you.....'cause chickens are chickens.....they do not sing, they do not invent medicines .....they jus' get eaten, that's the best they do. So seriously I cant be so cruel …cant take that from chickens. And if I say I am here because that fu*cked up hadron collider can go wrong anytime and I want to use this forum to share my POEMS with you......before I die.....yeah thats right! i am again fu*king with you......I am here
because everybody is.....( n' 'cause I've got nothing better to do nowadays).......So, you guys who picked on me in school, you hunky boyfriends of my various dreamgirls and you who banned FTV and bikini destinations...from indian TV...beware!!!!!!!!